I see the beauty in my imperfections.

    I've been trying to think outside of my "realm", outside of my circle of problems; and I find myself getting really depressed. I try not to get this way, but then I think of all the shit going on with the government, the economy, inflation, and of course the country's gas crisis. I can see desperate times coming, and they're coming fast, for some (like me), it's already here. It seems hopeless when the price of everything goes up, and your salary won't. This blog is not intended to bring down anyone who reads it, I'm just venting.
   
On weirder news, my mom wants me to have a child, which really caught me off guard. Her and my stepfather were talking about adopting a child before she found out she had cancer, but now that she's on chemo; she's in no physical condition to take care of baby. I guess she's hoping that I'll get pregnant, and let her raise the child. I don't have to heart to tell her that I don't ever want to have kids, not just for my own selfish reasons; but also because when I see how the world is.... I don't want to bring a child into that kind of mess.

    On another subject, I find myself pushing away everyone else during these hard times. I only really hang out with a handful of my friends these days. I'm just trying to keep "real" people around me during these testing times. That's why I only write about this kind of stuff on here, because I know the only people that will read it is, Alexis, Steven, and probably Kristi. I don't want people around me just so they can feel like they're apart of some dramatic tragedy.

So since the whole cancer deal, I've noticed something that's been hurting my feelings. My mother has not called me once to inform of what's going on, she tells my big sister and then tells her "make sure to tell your little sister for me". Which means lately, I've been the last one to find out everything, on top of being broken up about all of this, I'm definitely not feeling the love. I'm feeling very lonely lately. I had been trying to call my mom's phone for the past week, and it was cut off, so my sis calls me yesterday telling me that mom got a new number like a week and a half ago.... how does that make me feel???? Take a guess.
My sister also informed me yesterday that my mom is having surgery on thurs morning.... mom never discussed any of this with me, I really would've liked to have known the surgery was going to be so I could take off of work and be there. My sister says that mom doesn't want to talk to me on the phone because I'm "the baby", and that as soon as she talks to me; she's going to cry.... and she's made it this far without crying.... this still makes me sad. I've done a good job acting happy most of the time, but this subject has been plaguing my mind.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, I'm more comfortable typing it; because as soon as I speak the words I break down.
Needless to say, I'm extremely sad right now.

It's been a few weeks now, so I finally feel comfortable talking/writing about it.
A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from my older sister informing me that my mother just found out she has breast cancer. Being so distraught, I was not able to go back to the meeting that I walked out of. I kept thinking "my God, this woman has been through so much in her life, and now this??!!". She is the most kick-ass person I've ever known, and by far the strongest. When her doctor told her that it was cancer, she left the doctors office and went back to work; while me and my sister left work early; and cried on each other's shoulders while getting shitfaced drunk at 11am. How could "machine gun mary jane" give birth to such fucking sissies????
In all honesty, I will admit that I am still a big fucking train wreck, with the more than the occasional breakdown (by myself of course). I've been a trooper lately though keeping a big smile on my face and being fun; but I finally get to admit that I'm not really happy right now. I'm mad, I'm mad at the world, and honestly; I'm mad at God. Him and I have a few words we need to exchange, because I thought he was done messing with my mom. If anything, I should be the one suffering. I'd much rather take her place.
I know that we've got a long, hard road ahead of us, for anyone reading this who is my friend; now you know.